I started to edit the About Me page and I found myself writing and writing…so here ya go…enjoy!
current photo:
Easy Breezy Me
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- Age: 43
- Gender: Female
- Astrological Sign: Gemini
- Zodiac Year: Horse
- Occupation: Writer and Observer of all things Absurd
- Location: San Francisco : CA
- Wishlist
- I’m a gal from SF who has been up and down, literally and figuratively. I’m gregarious, sensitive, dramatic, and loving to the core. I am on this journey through this life and sometimes learning lessons, sometimes ignoring them, but hoping to reach wholeness before the whole thing’s over. Updated 7-09 — I’m still a girl but I’m not in SF anymore…I’m in the burbs…I’m still funny, way too sensitive. Life is still teaching me lessons and I’ve been through a lot as you can tell from all the blogs….I’ve had 3 blogs about weight loss and being fat: fatgirlcamp.blogspot.com, thefatgirlcamp.blogspot.com, and a typepad one which i deleted long ago. I keep trying to hide from the people from my past that I don’t want reading this because i feel i’ll be judged…but it really doesn’t matter what they think. they’ve moved on with their lives and seem to be thriving…so why can’t i? i’m doing well, since december 25 2008 i have stopped smoking 2 packs a day, i’ve lost 70 pounds in the past 13 weeks and i feel a tidbit of hope. i still am difficult to get along with but people seem to love me anyway. i don’t like capitalizing words and i’m a fan of ee cummings for that reason. i enjoy sarcasm and nothing gives me a chuckle more than a good story from the onion. i seem to watch a lot of tv and have tried to write tv sites tons of times but they always get abandoned….too busy watching tv to write about it….i am opening this blog back up in hopes that i will once again connect with those other blogger peeps that were so important to me during the darkest times. i wonder where they are? i hope they find me….i’m going to go look for them.
- i have a pug who weighs 40 pounds and he’s not overweight. he’s a huge pug. a mutant. nobody can figure out why he’s so big….tall broad and lean but huge. and the love of my life. he is always by my side.
- i have the best job one could want but i often complain about it and find everyone i work with frustrating. mostly i am frustrated and it has nothing to do with them.
- i almost always stick my nose where it doesn’t belong and i find it really hard to keep secrets.
- i love my mom and my dad is dead and was pretty much not that into me. i have two brothers one of which talks to me and is lovely and another who told me i am dead to him.
- i have nieces and nephews and i don’t get to see them much but when i do my insecurities come out and i feel i need to be the favorite auntie.
- often times i feel like it is all about me.
- i have two kitties as well who are named ollie and moo but i call them kitty.
- i go to the dog park almost every day unless its raining or the weather is too hot for george. (that’s the pug)
- i often find things bug me and i like to talk about what bugs me.
- i love people alot and care but often i am hurt by them. i think this goes back to that dad who didn’t pay me much attention and the irony of every situation being all about me.
- i’ve had a lot of therapy. i still get a lot of therapy. therapy is good. my therapist is a rock star.
- i’ve lost over 200 pounds twice in my adult life and gained it back both times. i was in overeaters anonymous and food addicts in recovery anonymous. i tried to be perfect in both programs and got very thin and then got very fat again. i tried to take my own life in 2003 when i was failing in fa and i was losing my mind in all the insane perfection. it seems a lot of people can do that program and not go nuts. that’s not the case for me.
- i have found a wonderful way for me to lose weight and am grateful to be releasing weight every week.
- i’m scared about what will happen when the weight is off and i get sad mad depressed disappointed or bored. i dont ever want to have to live at over 400 pounds again.
- i love movies and only recently have i been able to go to them again because i can finally fit in the seat.
- i am fat but i always make sure that my makeup is perfect and my hair as perfect as can be. i’ve always been obsessed with hair and makeup.
- i thought i was going to go back and get my masters in psych but i think i might want to get a cosmetology license. that dad who didn’t pay me much attention always told me that was a loser career. i’ve always wanted to do it. i think i will.
- i loathe passive aggressiveness.
- i loathe fake people.
- i hate the corporate game.
- i like the way it feels when i swim.
- i find facebook very confusing but i am all over twitter.
- do you want to know more? stay tuned!
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- George the Wonder Pug
I often think of this blog that I’ve since abandoned every summer when Big Brother hits the tv screen. I have a real pull inside me to reopen this blog and start writing about what is important about my journey.
Look for more things coming your way from good ol’ me.
By the way, update quickly: I’m actually doing really well emotionally physically and mentally although mentally is always a tenuous journey—but overall all this work and all this pain actually has made me this woman I am today and I’m not so bad…after all.
Thanks for all of you who have commented over the years and still check in and read this blog…I continue to get comments on old posts that still resonate for some and for that I am eternally grateful that my experience can help some others.
Much Much Much love to you my friends…
Michele aka FunnyBits.
I know this post looks pathetic, but can the truth be pathetic? I have been thinking of things I'd like to do lately and that voice comes up and says; "nope, ya can't do that–you're too fat." And, it's true that I am fat and some things are impossible for me to do when I am fat. I was contemplating it this evening and thought to myself, "Don't I want these things enough that I would lose weight so I could do them?" And, then my depression voice looms in with it's haunting bellow-like voice, "It doesn't matter – you're fat and even when you're not fat you look like a former fatty and nobody likes you." Yes, the depression voice is real mature!
But, isn't that the bottom line? I seem to listen to that voice more than any others. I know society is mean to me because I'm fat. I see it every day from when I walk my dog and the runner passing by looks at me with disgust and thinks to herself, "Ugh…how could anyone get that way? I better run faster or I might catch it!" Or, perhaps it is the kid at the pet place that gives me the coin so I can use the dog wash but won't make eye contact with me. Let's not forget the people standing in line behind me at Rite-Aid just wishing the fat girl would disappear.
It happens every day and it happens all day. It is not a figment of my imagination. It is real. It is constant. It sucks the very life out of me. It's desperately hard to stay above water when I feel bad and I'm following the dictates of society because they want me to feel bad too. I want to feel good about myself no matter what but I get bogged down in the mire of this existence.
But….if I wasn't fat here are the things I would do:
Go to Improv Class
Travel to Europe and Beyond
Travel anywhere
Go to visit friends
Go try new restaurants
Go to NY and see some Broadway
Call people I haven't spoken to since I got fat again
Go swimming
Get a massage
Hang out in the city
There's more but my mind is blanking on me because this is painful to think about. Ack, I really don't like this spot I'm in at all. I'm at a crossroads. I don't want to do the 12 step thing. I'm feeling burnt out. I don't want to go on a diet because I always end up gaining the weight back. I am not sure what to do….
xoxo
me
As much as I didn't want it to be so; Facebook is killing me. Answer me this: is it possible that everyone is so damn happy out there?
Between the photo albums displaying the fun and frolic of the everyday or the witty sayings on each person's whereabouts — I am determining my self-esteem is quite rocked by Facebook.
My ego is begging me to be witty and express the best photos, the best stories, and prove that I'm just like everyone else; happy, happy, happy. Well, the truth is I have moments of happiness and success sprinkled with doubt, disappointment and regret. Living with obesity and having lost 200 lbs. twice has jaded me. I missed out on a lot in life because of this disease and my lack of self-worth. I know there are plenty of people out there who are obese and have love lives and children and happy lives. However, I seemed to have missed my invitation in the mail.
My window to have my own family has passed now that I'm 42. If I do lose over 200 pounds again I may look normal in clothes, but the tale of my hardship will always show once the clothes come off. On my fictitious honeymoon with my new accepting husband there would be embarrassment as the pretend husband that I love finds my loose skin unbearable and I have a self-worth meltdown in the middle of Bora Bora. (note: aren't my fantasies great? even my fantasies have low self-esteem!)
The host of friends that all the Facebook people have is not foreign to me. I have a lot of Facebook friends. People from my past are friends of mine but I do not engage with them for fear that they will want to see me in person. The embarrassment is too much for me to fathom. I also think about the people I have sent out invites to from my past and regret having done so after I remembered that they abandoned me in my time of need. My low self-worth tells me it was my fault that I had a depressive year where it was hard to be my friend. I don't require my friends to be nice to me when I'm not happy….that would be way too healthy for me. However, I do think about a few people that are friends of mine on FB right now and it makes me angry that they abandoned me. I'm sure they were surprised to get my invite as well.
And then there are those I abandoned. I have a habit of abandoning the good people and leaving them by the wayside. According to FB, they have moved on. They didn't wait around for me to contact them to have a life and get married and have children. Now, they are happy with families of their own and I'm alone fighting the same battle I've always fought.
I guess it comes down to this; FB makes me sad and I cringe when I get a notice from it announcing that a friend has "tagged" me in a photo or wrote on my "wall". This means I am on their radar. SCARY! I am nosey and like to snoop around and find out what people are doing, where they've been and all of their pictures to prove it. In a lot of ways I do this because I'm lonely but I also think there is an element of self-harm involved.
I do have a few current friends on Facebook who are dear to me and with whom I feel genuinely happy for that they have found love and happiness, but for the most part I feel envy and spite when I see pictures of somebody's new baby or wedding photos. It is quite self-centered, but I feel unhappy for them and sorry for myself.
I really would like to grow up one of these days.
Update: Still Smoke Free!!
I'm all moved in. This new place is so bright and airy and big. I am
definitely having issues with not deserving it because I'm fat. I
know it sounds ridiculous but it all comes down to that for me. My
friend Russ came out today and I could tell he was uneasy when he saw
me. I couldn't stand that kind of awkwardness so I asked him — what
is it–am i fatter or something — and he said well, you look a little
bigger. Ugh.
Anyway, I said, well we'll have to get over it for today and let's have
a nice time. We moved on. But, it still stays with me. Russ is
probably the first person I've seen except for dog park people and work
people over the past 3 weeks. I still have larangitis and I'm thinking
it must be something more than just laryngitis…I guess I need to call
the doctor again.
I also got a new car. It's a year old, but its beautiful. Yet another
thing I don't deserve. I was supposed to quit smoking and I made it 4
hours and now I'm smoking in the new car and the new house. It is
strictly against the lease of the apartment to smoke. It says the
lease will be terminated if i smoke. I'm scared that they will find
out. I don't want to live scared. So, I'll try again tomorrow. As
you can see its 4:50AM and I'm up.
I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd
write. (albeit grammatic mistakes abound)
And, I also got a new couch and a new desk. I've been spending like
crazy. I have to stop now because I've gotten 2 advances from work and
a loan of 1000 from each brother. And, it could all fall apart. Russ
was mentioning the economy today and I got a pit in my stomach. I have
been so out of touch I haven't been paying attention to the news and
what's happening out there. I guess I've been isolating because I
literally have forgotten about OA and have skipped the meetings for 2
weeks. It just didn't cross my mind. I haven't really done anything
except buy stuff and move. I don't want to discount the moving part of
this whole thing but there is nothing left to buy to anchor me. I can
tell while sitting here that the purchases were anchoring me…I felt
powerful. Interesting.
Addiction Update:
Drugs – NONE
Binging – NONE (well, there has been a low fat diet icecream thing
that I was able to eat in moderation a few weeks ago but now eat 6 at a
time…i guess that is a little binge-y.)
So, I'm feeling insecure and scared and a little confused and disoriented.
I found this in the blogosphere and thought it said it best….As another year comes upon me I am so much more clear on how devastating FA was for me. I only wish I could stop sabotaging myself enough to allow weight loss without being petrified. More on that topic later. For all you FA refugees or those curious about the experience of FA…read below:
I set up my profile on Wellsphere and am getting advice, support and
motivation to stay on my path to feeling good! I want to add you as a
friend so we can cheer each other on. First, you need to join
Wellsphere. Once you join, you can choose your own path to feeling good
and I'll be there to cheer you on.
Here's the link to join (it's FREE!):
http://www.wellsphere.com/signUp.s
Be well!
FatGirlCamp
Wellsphere is a fun, new way for friends to share what they do and where they go to get active, eat better and unwind!
Join us for FREE at http://www.wellsphere.com/signUp.s !
