Facebook Failure

As much as I didn't want it to be so; Facebook is killing me.   Answer me this:  is it possible that everyone is so damn happy out there?  

Between the photo albums displaying the fun and frolic of the everyday or the witty sayings on each person's whereabouts — I am determining my self-esteem is quite rocked by Facebook.

My ego is begging me to be witty and express the best photos, the best stories, and prove that I'm just like everyone else; happy, happy, happy.   Well, the truth is I have moments of happiness and success sprinkled with doubt, disappointment and regret.   Living with obesity and having lost 200 lbs. twice has jaded me.   I missed out on a lot in life because of this disease and my lack of self-worth.   I know there are plenty of people out there who are obese and have love lives and children and happy lives.  However, I seemed to have missed my invitation in the mail. 

My window to have my own family has passed now that I'm 42.   If I do lose over 200 pounds again I may look normal in clothes, but the tale of my hardship will always show once the clothes come off.   On my fictitious honeymoon with my new accepting husband there would be embarrassment as the pretend husband that I love finds my loose skin unbearable and I have a self-worth meltdown in the middle of Bora Bora.  (note:  aren't my fantasies great?  even my fantasies have low self-esteem!)

The host of friends that all the Facebook people have is not foreign to me.  I have a lot of Facebook friends.  People from my past are friends of mine but I do not engage with them for fear that they will want to see me in person.   The embarrassment is too much for me to fathom.   I also think about the people I have sent out invites to from my past and regret having done so after I remembered that they abandoned me in my time of need.   My low self-worth tells me it was my fault that I had a depressive year where it was hard to be my friend.   I don't require my friends to be nice to me when I'm not happy….that would be way too healthy for me.   However, I do think about a few people that are friends of mine on FB right now and it makes me angry that they abandoned me.   I'm sure they were surprised to get my invite as well.

And then there are those I abandoned.   I have a habit of abandoning the good people and leaving them by the wayside.   According to FB, they have moved on.   They didn't wait around for me to contact them to have a life and get married and have children.  Now, they are happy with families of their own and I'm alone fighting the same battle I've always fought.  

I guess it comes down to this; FB makes me sad and I cringe when I get a notice from it announcing that a friend has "tagged" me in a photo or wrote on my "wall".   This means I am on their radar.   SCARY!  I am nosey and like to snoop around and find out what people are doing, where they've been and all of their pictures to prove it.  In a lot of ways I do this because I'm lonely but I also think there is an element of self-harm involved.  

I do have a few current friends on Facebook who are dear to me and with whom I feel genuinely happy for that they have found love and happiness, but for the most part I feel envy and spite when I see pictures of somebody's new baby or wedding photos.   It is quite self-centered, but I feel unhappy for them and sorry for myself.  

I really would like to grow up one of these days.

Update:  Still Smoke Free!!